Bouncing Back… Or Not

Our society sometimes leaves moms unprepared for what new motherhood is like.  We are told what to expect up until the delivery of our babes and thanks to social media and movies, we expect that as new moms our days will be spent joyously snuggling our newborns; blissfully happy.  Unfortunately, this isn’t always the case. Being a new mom (or any type of mom for that matter) is HARD. You may have stumbled upon the term “4th Trimester” when reading pregnancy blogs and I like this term because the first few months after having a baby really are full of challenges and many physical and emotional/mental changes many of which new moms are totally blindsided by and are given very little support to combat.

To begin with, our society really seems to do a disservice to moms.  From the minute that the baby is born, everything seems to be all about the baby.  Everyone wants to see it, hold it, and enjoy those cozy newborn snuggles. Meanwhile, mom is often overlooked – bruised, battered, and exhausted from delivering a beautiful miracle into the world.  I’m not saying that we should’t shower adoration over newborn infants but it’s also important that we support moms and not overlook their needs at this time. To be honest, as much as people always want to “hog the baby” they really should allow the new mother to hold her newborn.  It’s incredibly important for a mom to get time to bond with her newborn and the first day or so in the hospital is often the only time that she really gets one on one with her baby before household responsibilities and/or other children take away some of her time and attention. 

Not only are mothers sort of brushed aside after birth, we are blasted with images on social media of celebrities and models who look perfectly fit and ridiculously happy immediately following the arrival of their babies.  (Side note: Remember when Kate Middleton had her baby and the media criticized how she looked? I was appalled. She had just delivered a baby and God forbid that she didn’t look like she had never been pregnant. Poor Kate.)  The reality is that most of the images that we see of women postpartum are digitally altered. Bouncing back for most moms takes much longer and is much harder than we expect. Not only that but some of us don’t bounce back at all.  Having a baby totally changes you. It not only changes your physical body in ways that will never be the same but it also changes the way you think and feel.  

After delivering my first son, almost 4 years ago, I “bounced back” fairly quickly in most ways.  I adapted to less sleep fairly easily and was very attached to my newborn. My physical body was never the same though.  Although I managed to lose some of the 50 plus pounds that I gained during my pregnancy, at least 20 pounds stuck. At 6 months postpartum I reluctantly stuffed myself into my pre pregnancy jeans and put away my maternity ones.  I felt uncomfortable and ugly in the new body but I attempted to ignore it. I could no longer sit on the floor without my tailbone killing me and after about 5 minutes my legs would go numb. When I mentioned this to my doctor they told me there was very little I could do about it.  Fast forward 3.5 years and I found out while during my pelvic floor physical therapy during my second pregnancy that my pain WAS fixable but not until after the birth of my second son.  

This time, after the birth of my second son, I have struggled to bounce back but in different ways.  Physically, I have been able to lose much of the weight from my second pregnancy fairly easily at only 2 months postpartum and I can even stuff myself into some pre-pregnancy jeans without too much trouble (although they ARE a bigger size than I was wearing prior to the birth of my first son).  That said though, I still have at least 30 pounds sticking around that I didn’t have pre babies. Besides that, I admit that I have some loose skin that didn’t bounce back after being stretched to its absolute limit and some lovely stretch marks to match. These are scars on my body that will never go away no matter how much I attempt to diet or work out.  Nothing fits the same and I dread looking in the mirror. I know that I should be proud of my body for gowing and delivering two beautiful boys into this world but I’m still learning to accept it. In addition, my breasts are two VERY different sizes these days – enough that other women have actually pointed it out to me – which I personally found totally rude!  I often wonder what my husband thinks of my new body and although I’ve asked, he doesn’t say much about it. My two boys don’t seem to mind or notice though, they seem to enjoy my squishy middle and enjoy snuggling with me in the rare moments of quiet in our busy house.  

I also had a lot of physical pain postpartum this time around.  I tried to tough it out but my body was exhausted and I felt constantly nauseous.  Every part of my body felt like it was in protest. At a couple of weeks postpartum I finally caved and went back to my doctor thinking that something was wrong.  I felt like I was falling apart at the seams which was a totally different feeling than how I felt after my first birth. My doctor prescribed stronger pain killers but they made me feel disoriented and loopy.  That said, at least I could eat but I couldn’t drive and I felt disconnected to everything and everyone. My husband just didn’t understand and I just couldn’t understand why I wasn’t bouncing back the same way that I had the first time.  I was frustrated with myself, my husband couldn’t understand what I was going through, and I had two kids depending on me. Thank goodness that my own mother was visiting to help me pick up the slack. Two months later, things are finally getting back to some sort of a new “normal” but it’s a process and I know I still have a ways to go before I feel more like ME again.

So what is a new mom supposed to do when she is totally overwhelmed, exhausted, and unsure what to do next?  That’s a great question. I won’t pretend to know all of the answers. I do think that there needs to be more postpartum support groups.  I personally attend a breastfeeding support group and a support group for moms of all ages each week and I have found them supportive in ways that my husband just can’t fill.  It really does take a village. If you don’t have one I hope that you are able to seek and find one that welcomes you. New moms also need to be their own best advocates when it comes to being honest with medical professionals.  If you think you are at risk for postpartum depression or postpartum anxiety speak up and speak up LOUD. It’s OK to ask for help as hard as it is – and believe me I get it! Being a mom is the best job but also the hardest. No matter where you are in your motherhood journey, know that YOU ARE GOOD ENOUGH and you are doing a great job.  Sending love to each and every one of you. 

Need support and don’t know where to find it?  Comment below. I’d love to help.

Image Courtesy of Shape.com