1 in 4
1 in 4.
Statistics say 25% of women will experience a pregnancy loss at some point in their lives. Some before they even know they are pregnant, some early in pregnancy, and some later on. Pregnancy loss touches almost everyone whether you experience it directly, or have a friend or family member experience it.
I have experienced loss during pregnancy several times. Most early, but one later. In the second trimester of pregnancy. When you are supposed to be safe, in the clear.
In December of 2010 I began to experience some odd symptoms. I have never had regular periods so the fact that I hadn’t had one in a long time didn’t mean much to me. It took me almost 2 months to put things together and pee on a stick. Much to my shock, it came up positive, immediately.
I set out to find a doctor, deal with insurance issues, and most importantly tell the father, my then boyfriend of only a few short months. That week was a total blur that went from shock, to fear, to excitement and joy.
My first appointment was uneventful. We confirmed the pregnancy, went through my history, and took some blood. They called with the results later that day and told me my numbers were very high indicating a pregnancy much further along than I had thought. I had an ultrasound a few days later that confirmed that I was pregnant and in the second trimester. But there were some problems. The weird angle of my uterus made things difficult to see and dating the pregnancy was difficult. There was a healthy heartbeat, and we were hopeful. I was instructed to come back for another ultrasound three weeks later.
Three weeks later we would hear the words, “I’m sorry, there is no heartbeat.” And our lives would change forever. My precious baby had stopped growing weeks earlier, and my hopes and dreams for my child were crushed in an instant.
My body still went on as if I had a baby to care for. My breasts because swollen, engorged, and leaked milk for a baby they would never feed. I developed clogged ducts. I had no advice or guidance on how to deal with this so I had complications that likely could have been avoided.
I had empty arms, full breasts, and enough tears to last a lifetime.
His name is Aiden and his short time with me changed me. I carry him with me. Every time I push my daughter on a swing I imagine sending him laughing and soaring. Every time I cut up a waffle for her I imagine what his favorite food may have been. I watch her in gymnastics and I wonder if he would have been a soccer player, or maybe a musician. He taught me a lot about love and began to soften my heart and prepare me for motherhood. Next year I would have been sending him off to kindergarten. Instead, I tuck his ashes into a drawer each night. They used to travel with me, everywhere. My way of showing him a world he would never know.
Pregnancy loss is common. I believe it touches each of us in some way. You, your best friend, your aunt, your cousin. Someone you know has experienced it. None of us are alone in this journey. Whether the loss was at 6 weeks or 6 months, it still hurts. For me, it wasn’t just the loss of a baby, it was the loss of a future. The loss of the hopes that you daydream about the minute you see that second pink line.
I now have 2 children on earth and not a day goes by that I don’t thank my lucky stars for them. I love a little more, hug a little tighter, and cherish every moment. Life is fragile, and for some, short. The lives of the babies I’ve lost, while short, have made a lifetime of impact on my heart.
Resources:
http://facesofloss.com
http://www.storiesofbabiesbornstill.org