When It Doesn’t Go As Planned

I had my fourth baby 8 weeks ago. She came into the world pretty easily, which is exactly what my body and soul needed after three difficult births. She was tiny, beautiful, and seemingly perfect in every way. She completes our family in the way that I had hoped.

Immediately at her birth we noticed her breathing was a little different. Loud, congested sounding, and very fast. It was explained away as fluid in her lungs from being born so quickly. We were told it would go away as her lungs squeezed out this excess fluid.

At her 2 week check up I brought it up again. This time I was told she likely had a minor cold and probably some reflux contributing to the sound of congestion.

By 4 weeks the sound was getting louder. Nursing was a battle every single time. She would latch on then become increasingly frantic. She often making this deep sound, almost like a goose. And after nursing she would sound extremely congested and snore loudly. Extremely loudly for such a tiny little baby. We were told this time that her reflux was probably just worse than we thought and started on medication.

At 5 weeks she began having blue spells. Often she will sound like she’s choking, let out a loud gasp, then start making a squeaky sound as she turns blue in her face.

She was admitted to the hospital where they ran a ton of tests. She was found to have pneumonia, likely from aspiration. A swallow study confirmed that she was aspirating while nursing (side note, fun fact: breast milk is one of the safest things to aspirate, though still not ideal obviously). We were told we’d take a wait and see approach, follow up with specialists, and hope as she grows things will get better.

She’s now 8 weeks old. She regularly has blue spells. Sometimes her breathing is quiet and normal, other times it’s extremely loud. She has been diagnosed with severe reflux and laryngomalacia. Laryngomalacia is a floppy airway. It’s not strong so it collapses on itself causing the loud breathing and contributing to the reflux. This coming week she will have more testing to determine the extent of her issue.

Nursing her has become difficult. With my other kiddos I just popped out a boob and they did their thing. They gained weight quickly. They all struggled with food intolerances but the actual act of nursing was easy. This baby is the complete opposite. She chokes, gags, becomes frantic, immediately spits up large amounts, sometimes spits up while still on the breast, leaks milk all over. The worst part, for me as her mom, is she doesn’t seem calmed or soothed by breastfeeding.

With all of my other kids breastfeeding was everything. It was their nutrition, but also they comfort. Bonding. A way to calm them down. They seemed to enjoy that special bond. This baby does not. It’s just so hard for her. I question myself often.

This isn’t what I expected from my fourth baby. I love her more than life itself. I feel connected to her. But it’s all so different. I expected it to be easy. I’ve done this before, lots of times, it should have been easy and natural. It’s been anything but. I keep reminding myself that every experience is different and every baby is different but it still stings. She’s my last baby and I guess I had this beautiful dream in my head about how it would all go. I didn’t expect this.

But still we press on. In my next blog I’ll share some of the ways I’ve practically dealt with all of this (breastfeeding tips for difficult to feed babies) and the ways I’ve been dealing emotionally.

Each baby is different. Each experience is different. I’m trying to learn how different doesn’t have to mean bad.

And also, I love this adorable baby and would do anything to help her.