Pregnancy After Loss
Every pregnancy is different and my currently pregnancy has been difficult for a number of reasons unrelated to my previous miscarriage. A pregnancy after a loss however, has its own unique set of challenges.
To begin with, for the first two months of my pregnancy I pretty much lived in a state of denial. It wasn’t that I didn’t want the baby. I was afraid that I might lose this baby too and part of me thought that if I didn’t acknowledge its existence, it wouldn’t be so painful if (and in my mind when) this happened. It wasn’t until I started showing (which was really early this time around) that I admitted to myself that this was happening. Even then, I really wanted to be excited about the baby but I still really struggled. I even admitted this to my doctor one day at a routine check. I told him that I thought that after seeing our baby on the ultrasound and hearing its heartbeat I thought for sure I would start to feel a connection with it but I was having a really difficult time feeling one. He reassured me that it’s normal after a loss to have a harder time connecting to another baby. He told me that it’s a subconscious defense mechanism and that if I gave it time he had no doubt that I would love my second baby just as much as my first. I have to admit, I had my doubts.
I’ve had a few complications with this pregnancy and while in the grand scheme of things, they have been relatively minor, I feel like I am constantly waiting for the other shoe to drop. I’m worried that every little thing is going to cause another loss. Yes, I live in a constant and persistent state of paranoia and I know it’s not healthy. Even now that I finally feel excited about this baby, I still worry ALL THE TIME. It has gotten easier to reassure myself as the baby gets bigger and I have begun to start feeling it move inside me but every day is a struggle.
In addition to acknowledging to myself that this baby existed, I also resisted buying maternity clothes. This was admittedly a bit problematic since I started showing MUCH earlier this time around. When I had found out that I was expecting the baby I lost, I was so excited that I allowed myself to buy some maternity clothes online during a Black Friday sale. When I lost the baby a couple of weeks later, the arriving packages were an unwelcome and painful reminder that I didn’t need them any longer. Returning them to the store was an experience I don’t want to repeat. Even after my mother took me shopping and convinced me to buy a few things, I let them sit in the closet for weeks, stuffing myself into uncomfortable pants (which probably made other issues worse) because I was unwilling to “jinx” this baby.
I also waited to publically announce my pregnancy until I was almost 5 months pregnant and wouldn’t allow myself to pick out anything for the baby until after that. After talking to a good friend in a similar position she sent me the following link to another blog that she follows:
This blogger talks about all of the things that go through a pregnant woman’s head after a previous loss. She literally hits the nail on the head and it made me feel so validated. If you know someone pregnant after a loss or if you are yourself, I encourage you to read her post. For me it helped me process my feelings and move through them (though not entirely past them). If you can relate, hang in there mamas… this journey isn’t for the faint of heart but I have hope that the future has great things in store for us.
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