Acceptance

I have spoken a lot about my journey through various life challenges. Sexual abuse, pregnancy loss, allergies, and now my infant who is quite ill. One of the hardest things I’ve faced is acceptance. Accepting that my experience isn’t lining up with my expectation. Accepting that what I believe to be true may not be. Accepting that the plan I had isn’t being fulfilled. Accepting that the new plan may be better than I ever dreamed.

Felicity is now 5 months old. My experience with her has definitely not been the same as my expectation.  She is 5 months old. Weighs in the neighborhood of 9 pounds.

she is fed continuously a special formula via a tube from her nose to intestine. She occasionally smiles at us. Doesn’t roll or hold her up well. When she’s tired she’s a rag doll. This is not what I expected after 3 mostly healthy kids.

A week ago today I made a really difficult decision. You see, I’ve nursed each of my babies for years. If my calculations are correct I have nourished a baby from my body for 1,850 some odd days. Both my babies and other people’s babies. Countless ounces produced to help my babies grow big. Strong. Healthy.

Felicity is different.

For the past 2 months I have been pumping to tube feed her. It’s been difficult at best. Her growth hasn’t increased. I began to blame myself. Thinking somehow my milk is defective now or something. We began to add a fortified. We tried so many things and my blame of myself increased. A week ago, with the support of friends, I said enough. We have transitioned her to a formula. She still isn’t growing but at least I know it’s not an issue with my milk. I am slowing weaning from pumping. I donated the last of my stash of milk this past weekend. Ironically to a mom of a tube fed baby. It felt right and provided me a lot of peace.

I have had to work hard to accept that this experience isn’t lining up with what I expected. I have had to work hard to accept that this plan is what’s right for her, and for me. I’ve had to work hard to accept that maybe she isn’t a big smiling active baby but she is beautiful.

Acceptance is perhaps the hardest part of life challenges. It requires letting go of what you thought would be and making peace with what is. Acceptance is a journey with ups and downs. There are moments of second guessing, moments of uncertainty, moments of doubt. But there are also moments of peace, confidence, and a knowing that the choices I am making are the best for me, for my family, and for my children.

I am accepting that my experience is not lining up with my expectation. And I’m making peace.