Finding Time For Me

Sometimes the weight crushes me. 

Find my socks. 

Make me breakfast. 

Change my diaper. 

Nurse nurse nurse. 

Vacuum. 

Pay the car insurance. 

Where is my doll?

I want to go to soccer. 

Diapers. 

Clean. 

Bills. 

Food. 

Nursing. 

Errands. 

The weight of all of the demands crushes me. Everyone wants a piece of me every moment of every day. Even in my sleep I dream of being needed as my son crawls into my bed and wraps his tiny little hand around me at 2 am. He needs me. All night long. 

The baby needs me. She needs to be nursed. Constantly still. She needs diapers. Toys. Stimulation. 

My oldest needs me. She is hungry for knowledge. She wants to know why. How. Where. When. How do you spell it? How does it work? She needs reassurance. She needs hugs and snuggles. 

My husband needs me. He leaves home for a job every day. Bills need to be paid. His lunch needs to be made. His coffee. Laundry. Dry cleaning. His job occupies his mind so day to day things don’t always have space in his brain. 

My job needs me. It’s 3 days a week but I often spend time planning activities and fun for the children. For them, but also for myself. Occupying them makes my job easier. 

My friends need me. Advice. Complaints. Celebrations. Commiseration. 

I often feel pulled in 200 directions. And lately, I’ve lost myself. The needs of others have taken over and I forgot that I exist too. 

I’ve had to make a conscience effort to make time for myself every day. Some days it’s just a shower alone after the kids are asleep and my husband is home. Some days it’s as simple as a cup of coffee. Painting my nails. Some days I get to do focused exercise. Some days I just pace. It’s hard not to feel lost when you can’t even use the bathroom alone. 

Parenthood is hard. It’s often lonely. It’s demanding. It often takes more than it gives. Children are so very needy, through no fault of their own. 

So rejoice. In the small moments. A drive alone. Jamming out to a good song. Peeing alone with the door closed. Drinking your coffee at it’s proper temperature. 10 minutes on the treadmill. Paying those bills in silence. Blow drying my hair (for the first time in so long that people think I got a hair cut ????). Picking up after a busy day and not having a baby immediately throw everything around. Cracking open a cold drink alone on the couch. Watching a movie woth your significant other. Taking yourself out to dinner. Or even just finding time to get dressed in clothing that doesn’t contain 3 day old spit up. Whatever the moment is, enjoy it. Savor it. Make time for it. You matter.

We all have many titles. Mom. Dad. Parent. Sister. Brother. Employee. Wife. Husband. Organizer. Cook. On and on. 

But the most important one is (in my case) Nikki. I lost myself. I’m looking for myself again and realizing that while my titles makeup parts of who I am, at the end of the day, the most important title is Me. I matter. My needs matter. I deserve time for myself. It’s high time I made it.