Love Recklessly

A few days ago I sat in an office of a highly respected doctor that I traveled 1000 miles to have evaluate my baby girl. She told me she didn’t believe my daughter would live past early childhood.

I choose to love anyway.

I’ve spent 6 days in a darkness that I can’t explain in a way that someone who hasn’t been here could possibly understand.

I choose to love recklessly.

I have 3 other kids who depend on me. Who adore their sister. Who need their mom. 3 innocent, beautiful, amazing children who’s entire lives will change if this comes to pass.

I choose to love with my entire heart.

There is this depth of pain. This knowing. She is so beautiful. So sweet. So loved. Her existence is a gift. The length of her life will not determine her contribution to this world. She will move mountains. She will make me a better mom. A better wife. A better friend. She is teaching me what it means to love, all in, regardless of what tomorrow might bring.

Felicity’s life has been challenging. I imagined nursing my sweet baby until we were ready to stop. Snapping pictures of those first gummy smiles, that first roll, wobbly sitting. I imagined first foods, first words, and needless laughs.

I’ve gotten a feeding tube, more doctors appointments than smiles, and measuring progress in unconventional ways. She doesn’t roll, or sit, or laugh. She does smile, it is beautiful.

I love recklessly.

Tomorrow isn’t promised to anyone. Ever. Her life may be short who knows. I can say though, with 100% certainty, she will know she is loved. She will know that I’d endure all of this pain again to have her. She’ll know that she is strong, fierce, brave. She’ll know that she matters.

I love recklessly. I love knowing that the depth of my love may cause me pain unlike anything I’ve ever experienced. I love with my whole heart.

I’ve shared a great deal of my story. How my children have helped me to heal. Slowly, like layers of an onion. In this great pain, I believe she will help me heal also. I am learning to love in a way I have never experienced. My love for her is without fear, it’s without conditions, and it’s without expectation.

In the face of great pain, I choose to love recklessly.

She is worth it. Worth every tear, every heart break, every ounce of pain.

So I am choosing to take that bit of information that that highly respected doctor gave me and tucking it away. No one knows everything. No one is promised anything. Maybe I won’t have her for 10 years, but I have her today so I’m choosing to focus on that. I’m choosing to fight. She is worth everything. She is worth all of me. I refuse to let the pain of what if block what is. 

I’ll love her with everything I have, forever. Nothing can change that.

Love recklessly.