On The Day You Were Born

I remember February 25, 2019 very well. I woke up eager and excited. This was the day we were going to begin inducing Felicity. I knew I would meet the last missing piece of my puzzle soon.

I went to the OB, then home to wait. My third birth was complicated by a partial placental abruption. Felicity was early, so we were inducing gently and mostly relying on my body to do the work.

I went to Target to walk. Wandering around the aisles imagining what it would feel like to have my heart complete. The same aisles I now wander around with my heart shattered and broken.

I bounced on a ball. Did squats. And kept moving. Late in the afternoon I knew it was time to head towards the hospital. I kissed my other kids goodbye and my husband and I left. We ended up going to the mall to walk for a few hours and wait for shift change.

Once I arrived at the hospital, there was a lot of debate about how far I was along in the labor process. My doctor came by to check me and decided to admit and continue inducing me. I knew I’d meet Felicity very soon.

I labored hard throughout the night. I had many moments where I wasn’t sure I could do it. I had many moments where I wanted to quit. But you can’t quit, they all come out somehow. This was my most difficult labor experience.

Felicity was born early in the morning February 26, 2019. She came fast and furious. She was born with labored breathing thought to be caused by her quick arrival. If only that had been the case.

I spent the whole day enchanted by her. She was so different that my other babies. Physically, her breathing was different. She struggled with blood sugars. And she had a lot of seemingly extra loose skin. But she was so beautiful. Perfect.

We spent the day learning to nurse, which she never did well. And snuggling.

She barely cried. She was so calm and content laying on my chest. I often think back to that first day. She spent the last 6 months of her life sweetly and quietly laying on my chest. She died there also.

On the day Felicity was born my heart was whole. The piece of me that was missing was complete. Our family of 6 was all I had ever wanted. I knew, in my gut, very early on, that something was not quite right but I had no idea the extent of it.

On the day you were born I felt alive. I felt peace. I felt all of the brokenness disappear. You completed my journey of bringing babies into this world. You will forever be my favorite missing piece.

Felicity’s life ended just 21 months after it began. What she taught me in those 21 months will stay with me, and many others, forever. And the piece that was made whole? It’s broken again. Shattered.

On the day you were born I was the happiest I’ve ever been. I miss you Lissy girl.