Trusting Mama Instinct
Have you ever left a doctor’s appointment feeling like a total failure of a parent? Have you ever disagreed with something that a doctor has told you but went with what they said anyway because you were afraid to contradict them? Mama instinct (or mama gut) is a powerful thing. It’s OK to listen to it. Each of us as parents, as mothers, knows our own children best. Medical professionals have their time and place but we are also our children’s best advocates.
In my opinion, moms – especially new moms, are very vulnerable when it comes to being influenced by those who we deem to “know more than we do.” I am constantly in fear of doing something to screw my son up and live with persistent fear of being a terrible parent. To be clear, I am not suggesting that medical professionals don’t know what they are doing (rather I feel that they are a very important resource) but they have their palace and they are human beings too – complete with their own opinions and biases. If you are anything like me, you do your homework (research the crap out of things) and try to make the best decisions as possible for your children but it’s a daunting task. I have found that sometimes the conclusions that I have come to, do not match the recommendations of our doctors and I know that I am not the only one because this has come up many times at one of the mommy support groups that I attend.
Of course, there’s nothing wrong with doing exactly what a doctor says and in many cases you should. However, some moms would prefer less medical intervention when possible and that seems to be where the conflicts begin. It starts with pregnancy. For example, my son was born a few days late – my doctors were only willing to let me go a maximum of two weeks past my due date. I on the other hand REALLY wanted to avoid an induction unless the baby was showing signs of distress and I wanted to let him come on his own clock. Luckily he was only a few days late so it wasn’t a big deal but I was prepared to fight my doctors for more time. If you read my post about birth plans, I mentioned that having a birth plan is important so that your doctors and nurses know exactly which medical interventions you want or don’t want. Unfortunately, in this day in age, birth and babies are considered a business and I feel like sometimes doctors push services just because they can. One of the founders of Rumina shared with me that she was incredibly thankful for her doula who was able to help her understand all of her doctor’s recommendations and slow things down when needed so that she was able to achieve the birth she wanted. In my case, my husband was my advocate. Some medical interventions are necessary but some are optional and you should have just that – the option to choose to have them or not.
After my son was born, his doctor put him on “weight probation” and had me bringing him in weekly for weight checks. I was breastfeeding and my son was eating like a champ but he seemed to have inherited the long and lean gene from my mom – that or he has a hollow leg – haha. My lactation consultant was not concerned about my son’s weight gain but his doctor had me in a state of constant paranoia. My son was in the 6th percentile and she made me feel like I was starving my son but I was adamant that I wanted to continue to breastfeed. My son seemed happy and my lactation consultant said he was thriving so I chose to listen to my mommy instinct that he was OK and my lactation consultant’s opinion while trying not to worry too much.
Vaccines are another big point of contention between doctors and moms. I know that this is a very controversial issue and I am not looking to start or get into a big debate here (I personally have friends on both sides) but the bottom line here is that regardless of where you fall on the issue, if you have done your research and feel confident in your decision – you should stick to it and not let a doctor bully you into changing your mind.
When my son was a few months old, his doctor ended up going on maternity leave and we were assigned to another doctor in her practice instead. When the doctor filling in for her seemed appalled that I was still breastfeeding I knew that I had reached the last straw. It was time to find a new doctor. But even after finding a new doctor who was more breastfeeding friendly, I still found myself doubting my parenting after every visit.
At a visit with the new doctor, the doctor asked me if we allowed my son to wear his amber teething necklace in his car seat. When I said we did, she proceeded to tell me that my son was going to strangle to death while I was driving and that I would be unable to do anything about it. Imagine how I felt after that! My son’s teething necklace had made a dramatic difference in how much Tylenol we needed to give him and I felt that it was a really positive tool but after that doctor visit I felt like a terrible parent for allowing him to wear it. It took me awhile to come to terms with these feelings and to decide that allowing my son to wear the necklace as OK.
Another mom in my support group shared with us that she asked her doctor about food in tolerances and allergies in her breastfed baby and that her doctor told her that there was so such thing. Flash forward and it turns out that her son has a severe dairy and gluten allergy. She felt guilty for not listening to her mom gut sooner.
I have also experienced two medical professionals giving me opposing advice! For example, my son’s doctor has been adamant in telling me that we need to be giving my son oral fluoride drops (because we have well water) but my son’s dentist claims that this is an outdated recommendation and that they no longer advise it. I did my own research and decided to go with the recommendation of the dentist (also because I feel that the dentist should know more about dental health than the doctor) but every time my son sees the doctor we have to have a conversation about it and the doctor keeps telling us that the dentist is wrong. I know many people who DO give their children fluoride and I am not judging anyone but I feel as though I should not be lectured at every doctor visit for choosing not to give it.
Being a mom is an enormous responsibility. No matter what we do, it’s easy to feel like we are screwing something up. I worry about how the decisions that I am making for my son will impact him in the future. In the end, we all just do the best that we can. What makes us good parents is researching our options and making informed decisions with the information that we have. We won’t always be perfect and we are bound to make some mistakes along the way but you know more than you think and it’s OK to trust your mommy instinct. You spend more time with your child than any professional and you know him or her best so if you are concerned don’t let a doctor brush you off or tell you that you are crazy. Find someone who will listen and never give up advocating for your child.
Photo Courtesy of Pinterest.com