Weaning

I’m not ready.  I don’t think she is either.  Mother nature gave us no choice.

I found out I am pregnant with unexpected baby number 4 in July.  I am incredibly happy to have this blessing.  Blessed.  Excited.  Joyous.

But also sad.  I knew eventually my milk may dry up and it seems that unlike my other pregnancies, my baby isn’t really interested in continuing if there’s no milk to be had.  She is 20 months old, so I made it a long time.  She still asks for ” mok” every night.  But after a few minutes she pushes away and asks for her cup.  And sweetly falls asleep still snuggling me, but its all different.

I wasn’t ready to be done with this yet.  Meredith is my baby still. Even at 20 months she still seems so small.  Her vocabulary lagged a little, she has no hair, and shes really short and small.  A baby in looks and behavior.  My instinct is still to provide her with milk, but my body had other plans.

When I was pregnant with my second child, my first, Grace, nursed all the way through and for the next almost 18 months I tandem nursed.  It was mentally and physically taxing, but also so rewarding.  I think it helped with the transition of welcoming her brother to our family and it provided me with a quick and easy way to get her to sleep at night so I could tend to my new infant.  Boo boos were soothed with milk.  Tears and frustration could melt away with a few minutes of nursing.  It worked for us.

When I found out I was pregnant with my third child, I was so ill that I had to wean.  My son was around 18 months the last time he nursed.  It was easy for him though, he was already weaning himself.  It felt natural.  Mutual.  He took to other comfort methods quickly and had no interest in nursing after only a few days.

Meredith still wants to nurse.  She tries.  I can tell she is frustrated because there’s nothing there.  This makes me sad and frustrated too.  I can’t quite understand why my body is doing this now.  I’ve never dried up in the past completely while pregnant.  The feelings of guilt and sadness that I am not able to provide for her anymore are sometimes overwhelming.  I know that she will eventually be fine and I have nursed her for quite a long time, but emotions do not always follow logic.

Throughout this journey I have learned that I am not the only one who struggles with this.  I have opened up to friends about my feelings of sadness and guilt and have been met with a lot of “me too” responses.  Weaning when neither of you are ready is a different journey.  I have found it incredibly important to honor and recognize my feelings.  To validate her frustration.  To be open and honest about my own frustration and sadness.  To embrace my guilt.  But also to celebrate my journey and recognize what a gift I was able to give to her.

Nursing is always a journey.  Each experience is different.  Each experience with each of my children has been different.  I’ve weaned on mutual terms, weaned after nursing for 3.5 years, and now weaned when we aren’t quite ready.  Embracing and validating my feelings and the feelings of my children surrounding each process has been vital.

Who knows what my journey will look like with my fourth child but I do know that I am eagerly anticipating a new squish to hopefully nurse.  I look forward to my new journey, what ever that may look like for us.