Preparing for Number Four

I am due to have my fourth baby in about 6 weeks. My oldest turns six in two weeks. I have recently spent a lot of time reflecting on my parenting journey and how differently I am preparing for this baby as opposed to my first. This baby will definitely be my last.

I recall being six weeks out from Grace being born and I just could not wait. Not only because I was tired of being pregnant but also because I couldn’t wait to be a mom. I couldn’t wait to experience this magic I kept hearing about when your baby is first born. The bond. The love. I was so eager to live this dream I had had for so long that I forgot to enjoy the last weeks of my pregnancy.

This time I know without a doubt that this will be my last baby. The last time I will feel a new life growing and moving inside me. The last time I’ll stare at a test waiting for those lines to appear. The last time I’ll hold my breath at the six week ultrasound waiting to see that sweet sound of a beating heart. The last time I’ll go for a 20 week ultrasound to ensure my baby is healthy, and find out the sex. The last time I’ll pick a name. The last time I’ll grow, swell, waddle. The last time I’ll go to sleep pregnant and deliver a baby the next day. The last time I’ll latch for the first time. The last time I’ll dress a tiny sweet newborn in an outfit I carefully selected to bring them home to meet their siblings. Some of these things are bittersweet. Some welcomed. Some bring me sadness. Some joy. Mostly I feel a jumble of mixed emotion. The last is just as beautiful and important and life changing as the first.

When Grace was born I thought I had to do it all “right”. I literally never left her side. I didn’t trust anyone with her. The first time I was away from her for more than an hour or two was when I went to birth her brother, she was 10 days shy of two years old. I thought I had to be perfect to be a good mom. I’ve since learned that is a crock and I am a good mom simply because I love my children and give them the best I possibly can everyday. Some days that is a mom who takes them downtown to meet Santa while 27 weeks pregnant in the middle of winter. Some days that is a mom who warms up last night’s pizza for breakfast and leaves them to play while I take a nap. Every day I am a good mom. I kiss them when they hurt themselves. Hug them when they are sad. Cheer for them. Cry with them. Scold them when they are misbehaving. I care for them endlessly, in every possible way. Six years ago I thought being a good mom meant sacrificing myself to give every fiber of my being to my child. Now I know that being a good mom means loving them, guiding them, and providing the things they need to grow and thrive. Being a good mom means I matter too. I’m not just their mom, I am also Nikki.

Each baby I have learned to let go a little more. There are still things I struggle with like leaving my babies with other people as infants, and I don’t know that that will ever change. Its my instinct and the more I have tried to go against it the more pain I’ve caused myself. But I have let go of so many things. My kids eat vegetables, they get home cooked meals, but they also get Wendy’s. They wear whatever diapers are on sale. Sometimes they have to fuss for a minute while I finish my shower. They play outside but they also watch TV. We do extra curricular activities, but only one both for their sake and mine. I spend most weekends at home but occasionally I go out to dinner with my friends. Or go get my nails done alone. Or even just close the door and take a bath by myself. There is balance in our lives and it has made me a better more patient mom. Balancing their needs with mine has been key to my sanity. It will continue to be as I venture into motherhood for the fourth time.

Preparing for this new arrival has been so much different than the first. I am more laid back. I have a better grasp on the things that are really important. Babies don’t care what kind of stroller I have or how much their clothes cost. They need love. They need warmth. They need food. They need closeness. I am confident in my ability to provide these things so I have no fear about my ability to mother four children.

Wherever you are on your parenting journey, know that it is fluid. Its always changing. You learn and grow each day. Remember that your children don’t need or even want you to be perfect, they just want you to be mom. Whatever that may look like on any given day. Remember that each baby is a gift, each child a blessing. And each new experience will help you to grow and shape the person you become. My children aren’t the only ones growing up on this journey, I have grown more as a person than I did in my 28 years before I welcomed Grace into my life.

Six more weeks, we are waiting for you Felicity Christina 🙂