Self-Care

Healthcare providers –especially those who specialize in mental health – love to talk about self-care.  “Don’t forget to make time for self-care!” “Self-care is important!” “You deserve self-care too!”  These are all phrases I hear all of the time both from my own providers and from moms reporting back from their providers but I don’t think a lot of moms really understand what self-care means and brush off the nagging from those that care about them.

What exactly IS self-care?

According to the Oxford Language Dictionary Online, the definition of self-care is as follows: “Noun. 1. the practice of taking action to preserve or improve one’s own health. 2. the practice of taking an active role in protecting one’s own well-being and happiness, in particular during periods of stress.”

I’m pretty sure that the second definition is the one being targeted at most of us moms.  In plain English, basically, we are supposed to make our own well-being and happiness a priority and let’s face it – as moms- I feel like we are always stressed about something right?  Now I know what a lot of you are probably thinking because I’ve said it a million times myself.  Doing the things that I WANT to do sounds wonderful but when am I supposed to make that time when I have two kids and a husband who need things from me twenty-hour hours a day – seven days a week!  Some of you also have to throw a job and pets into the mix too.  The schedule juggling is mind-boggling.  Also worth noting, I think a lot of us would just love an extra hour of sleep or a hot shower ALONE – but these don’t count.  Sleep and showers are basic needs – not taking care of your emotional/ mental health needs.

If sleep and showers don’t count – what does?

This is a difficult question to answer because it varies from person to person.  Ask yourself what makes you happy.  When I first tried to answer this question, I had no idea what made me happy anymore other than holding my sleeping baby.  I know that sounds awful but I was so deeply absorbed in “momlife” that I literally couldn’t think about anything else and it was wearing me down.  I barely recognized myself anymore.  My therapist asked me what I enjoyed before kids.  I had to think about it and the more I thought about it, the more I realized how much I missed that girl.  That girl was fun!  I’m pretty sure my husband misses that girl too and I feel like my kids have never even met her – but I didn’t know how to get her back.

For me self-care looks like spending time with friends, sitting outside on my deck in the sun BY MYSELF, doing craft projects, reading books, and enjoying a hot cup of tea.  These things may sound like torture to you but for me, they feed the joy within myself.  Now I also really love dancing with my husband and playing with my kids but those things do not feed my soul in the same way that quiet activities alone do.  You may be the opposite and like loud blaring music and going for a run and that’s OK!  As long as you are doing the activity for YOU and not because anyone else told you to, that’s what matters.

Why is self-care so important?

Have you ever heard the saying that you “can’t pour from an empty cup?”  Well, it turns out that’s true.  When we, as moms, spend every minute of every day caring for others without making any time for ourselves we pour everything out of the proverbial cup to do so without doing anything to fill it.  This is a recipe leading straight to major mom burnout, unhappiness, frustration, mental exhaustion, and yes even depression.   Self-care may seem selfish and for many –myself included – it can be hard to rationalize.  For example, as I spent time reading a book earlier after my sons went to bed, I felt guilty doing so because I really SHOULD have been doing laundry.  But, laundry can wait, and refilling my mental cup makes me a better mom and a better wife so sometimes my self-care trumps chores that can wait until tomorrow.  That said, self-care and making time for it can be really HARD.  It seems crazy that doing something we enjoy would be difficult but mom guilt, children’s needs, and schedules have a strong pull and it can be a struggle to put ourselves first.

When you fly on an airplane one of the things the flight attendants always say during the safety briefing is that in the event of an emergency secure your own oxygen mask before helping others.  As a mom, my first instinct would be to help my children first but the reality is that if I can’t think and function to the best of my ability, I can’t take care of my children anyway.  By helping ourselves first, we have more to give.  My best advice?  Give yourself some grace, be patient with yourself, and try to do one thing each day that makes you YOU and not just MOM.  You deserve it – even if it’s only 5 minutes.  It’s a process and Rome wasn’t built in a day but all those professionals who keep harping on self-care may actually be on to something.

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