They Are Always Listening

I am the mother of two daughters and one son.  Three small children who follow me around all day long, tug at my legs, and won’t even let me pee in peace.  They are always around; always listening.  This has never been more apparent until recently.

One morning I was standing in my bathroom doing my hair and I muttered a comment to myself, “man I really need to lose more weight, I’m tired of being fat.”

Fat.  I used the word fat.  This is a word I have tried hard to limit and eliminate from my vocabulary.

Of course, right at that moment my 5 year old daughter came in and asked if she was fat too.  My heart sank to my knees.  My daughter is strong, intelligent, beautiful, creative, funny, energetic, kind, and sassy.  She is not fat.

I stopped what I was doing and sat on the floor.  She cuddled up next to me and I proceeded to tell her that sometimes mommy says things that aren’t true and we talked about all of the positive things about ourselves.  She went on and on about being smart.  How much she likes science.  How she loves to run.  How much she loves her baby sister.  I told her how I am strong.  How I love my kids.  How I support her daddy.  How I love to write.  All positive things that have nothing to do with the size and shape of our bodies.  We left the conversation and I felt really good about it.  Yes, she heard me say something that I did not want her to hear, but we were able to make it into a teaching moment.

You see, they are always listening.  They are learning from us.  They get their cues about their bodies, food choices, appearance, and other things from us.  I don’t want my children to think they are fat or skinny.  I don’t want them to think foods are good or bad.  I don’t want them to think they are pretty or ugly.  I want my children to know what their bodies can do, not obsess about what they look like or their size and shape.  I want my children to make their food choices based on what they want at any given time and to eat a well rounded diet with all foods in moderation.  I don’t want cookies to be labeled bad and carrots to be labeled good.  Its all just food, meant to propel our body throughout our day.  And it is all ok in moderation.  I want my children to know they are beautiful because of who they are not what they look like.  Kindness towards others, acceptance, love.  These are the things that make them beautiful; not their appearance.

It is hard to change the cycle that I found myself stuck in for so many years.  I judged my worth based on my appearance and I have to actively work every day to break that cycle.  I do not want my children to be influenced by my poor self esteem.  I try to build them up and pray that it is enough.  As they grow, I won’t be their only influence.  Their peers will influence how they feel about themselves and I have to work every day to ensure they have a solid foundation to grow from.  That starts with accepting myself and modeling what I hope for them.

You see, our children are always listening.  Even if you don’t say it, they see it.  The look of disgust that crosses your face when you look in the mirror.  When you pinch your stomach to judge just how “fat” you are today.  When you joke about the food you will allow yourself.  When you say you’ve been “bad” because you ate ice cream after dinner.  They see and hear it all and they form their opinions of themselves based on what they see in you.  Show them that none of these things really matter.  Model healthy behavior.  Model moderation.  Speak positively about yourself, not just your body but also the person you are and what you do.

My daughter heard me call myself fat and thought, for a fleeting moment, that she must be fat too.  Every day since that one I have made it a point to talk about how strong I am.  Now she thinks she is strong.  They are always listening; lets be sure we are sending the right message.